This last weekend, we did three dairy shows in three days.
#WTFman
I know, it was A LOT of work, especially with heat indices over 100 degrees and three hours of sleep per night. I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but I help the people we show with by taking my turn, staying up, making sure the heifers and cows stay clean. I scoop poop and make sure all our animals are fine. It’s not the most fun job, but the one that I love most because at 3:00 in the morning, it’s a great time to reflect!
#darkestbeforethedawn
Since the Covid virus isn’t happening here in our neck of the woods (please note the sarcasm), our fair went forward full steam ahead. We had carnival rides and school bus races and demolish derbies and a country concert. The fair had a plan, of course, but I didn’t see much of it followed (my very humble opinion, of course).
#keepyouropiniontoyourself
I must have been asked a dozen times, “Are you ready for school?. My answer: “Nope” We talk, I share a couple of things, they share as well, then we part away.
I wanted to scream, “Don’t ask me about school!!” Why you ask?
- I worry about myself. I’m not in a high-risk group, but being overweight and having gone through some health scares, it worries me all the same.
- I worry about my wife, a teacher of transitional kindergarteners. She’s dealing with the same nonsense, but she’s got the additional worries of the tech end. These kids aren’t used to this at all! We worry about bringing home the virus to each other.
- I worry about parents sending sick kids to school.
- I worry about no substitutes.
- I worry about no face masks. Like them or not, they are effective.
- I worry about the fact that three months ago, we were celebrated as people who took a crappy situation and made the best situation possible. Now, we are degraded, called lazy or worse because the Covid response was so bungled that cases are spiking when they should be going down, causing us ALL worry about our own lives. When did I sign up to fix society’s woes AND possibly become sick??
- I worry about my parents. I’ve seen them three times in the last five months, hugging them once. If I’m seeing 80 students per day, I’m not seeing my parents, period.
- I worry about the fact we had a county fair amid a pandemic. Everyone gives me the “I want normal” crap, but during this time, normal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yes, we may not get a spike, but seriously, 5 days of fair? If there’s a recipe for an outbreak, here it is.. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we don’t become a hot spot. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll have a glimmer of hope.
- I worry about the fact that community doesn’t see this as a threat. Yes, we live in our Lily white bubble with few cases, but bubbles pop.
- I worry about the fact my governor took thousands of hours put in by teachers, administrators, and community members, throwing them out the door to get her gold star by the president.
Every time someone asked me about school, my heart rate went up, with my mind going to these places, these worries.
Is this productive?
#nope
Is it doing me any good at all?
#nope
Does it do my own mental health any good at all?
#nope
The one positive I have is getting back to see the kids, but even then, I’ll be masked up so it won’t be the same. I’m back in my garden, pulling weeds and working up a sweat to detox from the negative feelings.
Yes, I’m anxious, but at the same time, indifferent. What can I do? We are going back. I bought a lotto ticket and won $4, not exactly my golden ticket.
Tomorrow, I go meet with my team to plan our start. I dread this because who wants to plan something that could change the next day?
So, check-in on your teacher friends, they aren’t well. Let them know it’s ok to be anxious, to be a little worried. Offer them chocolate and wine, sit with them, and listen.
They’ll tell you a tale, one of simpler times, where kids were able to eat as a class and so we’re the adults!
Not this year.
#makingthingsworkbecausethereisnoPlanB
The Life of a Conflicted Teacher 
July 29, 2020 at 2:36 am
Usually the summer is the time for teachers to build their resilience, relax to the core, so they have energy for the emotionally challenging job. This year the anxiousness level is super high that even if no virus outbreak, the stress might cause many other health issues. I wish you resilience. I wish you will find small nuggets of positive that bring you joy. I wish you and your family and friends continuous health.
July 29, 2020 at 1:37 pm
We are working at it, but right now, things are really dark all around. And it’s not even that we are in a “hot spot” (rural Iowa = social distancing at it’s finest), it’s that finding joy is hard right now. Thank you for your thoughts, they are encouraging! 🙂
July 29, 2020 at 8:57 am
I’m anxious, exhausted, on the verge of tears, and annoyed on so many levels. I go into my school tomorrow and grade level teachers from Pre-K to 4th will be in there. Little nervous about that.
“Sit with them, and listen.” <— this is so important & true. And may I add please, please don't try to give suggestions or act like you know how to do our jobs. Actively listen. Don't villianize us.
July 29, 2020 at 1:19 pm
Same, my friend. Same. ♥️
July 29, 2020 at 5:34 pm
Darin,
Thanks for sharing your feelings. It must be horribly anxiety-producing to think of all those things and worry about them. We’ve spiked here in WI, of course, partially due to people not following masking and social distancing guidelines over July 4th. Schools here look like they will be online in Sept. and then be reevaluated after that as far as face to face education. My son, 25, who attends ISU as a grad student (I think I’ve told you this before) has been home most of the summer and is NOT (for the first time ever) looking forward to going back to school. They have imposed a lot of limitations on the students and that makes him sad as well as frustrated. He is not into the party scene but has been told that the grad students can only be in their offices to conduct research one day a week, as opposed to being able to be there as much as they wanted before. Their restrictions are beyond what the typical social distancing norms have been and this is hard to understand. The isolation has been crushing for him. Added to that, most if not all of his classes will be online, despite the fact that at the 800 or 900 level (for a Ph.D.) they have very small class sizes. I feel for you all. Luckily, my youngest just graduated from HS on July 25th in a drive-through ceremony so we are not dealing with the student situation directly anymore. But, that does not take away from my empathy for our teacher friends – near and far. Take care!
July 29, 2020 at 5:49 pm
Darin, thanks for sharing this post and helping your readers understand what’s going on in your part of the country. There are so many things I don’t understand about this situation, but there are so many that I do. As you’ve said, we teachers are finding ourselves in the situation of having to work through the mess that so many others have made. Like you, I’m hoping for the best.
July 30, 2020 at 5:08 am
Life has become so different and days are going by. Why only three hours of sleep? Take care.
July 30, 2020 at 9:37 am
During the night time of our shows, we stay up to make sure the animals are clean. We split up the hours, and try to get a little sleep during our “down time”. I had the shift from 10:00 PM to 2:00 AM, so after that I could sleep. Now, I don’t go home and crawl into my comfy bed because that’s miles away. I have a pretty good fold out chair that I can lay almost horizontal. With that, a blanket, and my noise canceling headphones, I can usually get a little sleep! 🙂
July 30, 2020 at 10:46 am
Ok, when do you have the shows ? What shows are they?
August 13, 2020 at 10:53 pm
The shows are usually in the mornings. She shows dairy heifers, Brown Swiss in particular.
July 31, 2020 at 8:29 pm
I could feel my stress level rising as I read your post. I’ve been trying to write a small poem each day (#poeticdiversion) focusing on something positive as an alternative to spinning around in my head about the impending start to school. It helps a little bit. Gardening does too. This is such a horrible situation. Wishing you the best!
August 5, 2020 at 7:20 am
Perfectly said. It’s impossible to plan for the first few weeks of school when it all feels like it’s teetering on collapse at any moment with R0 factors going up again. Not to mention the surreal complexity of a synchronous class – some kids at home “watching” on their laptop while others are in class with me, being socially distant and not sharing supplies? I may have 30 years experience teaching, but this year feels as mysterious as my first.